Redemption
by Beckydaspatz
Summary: Closure for Xander comes in the form of a dream.


A.N.: I'm this is going to be a quick oneshot Anya/ Xander cause the idea will just not leave me alone! Most of it is told from a dream POV. Set several months after Chosen, and it disregards the comics. That's pretty much it. Oh and I'm still not Joss Whedon so I still don't own didily.

_Xander was almost positive he was dreaming as he stared at the two chicken sumo wrestling in front of him. "Okay that's the absolutely last time I drink Mountain Dew before going to bed…does weird shit to my head." He was distracted by the incessant moaning coming from the side as he turned to confront the noise. Willow and Kennedy were engaged in NC-17 activities, completely oblivious to him as they mewled in content. "Sweet Moses." He breathed as a familiar voice called out. "Oh for the love of God." He whirled around, meeting up with the perturbed face of Anya. "I swear Harris food and sex is ALL you ever dream about. It's getting very repetitive. " Xander blushed. "What are you doing here?" She shrugged a shoulder, gesturing to the empty white space around his head. "You tell me." Xander took a step closer to her, casting his eyes downward. "I guess it's because I miss you." Anya wasn't listening, just tilting her head to the side and squinting at something past him. "Willow doesn't have nipple rings." She stated as a flabbergasted Xander cried out "What?" "Willow. She doesn't have nipple rings." "Where the heck did that come from?" "Her porn star breasts are swinging around quite impressively, but she doesn't have nipple rings." Xander turned a dark crimson. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about." She reassured him, patting him lightly on his arm. "But it is! I'm dreaming about my best friend…my gay best friend at that! Having sex with my gay best friend and her girlfriend, and sumo wrestling chickens! This whole thing just _screams_ cry for help." She nodded sympathetically "Well while I do have to say it is fairly insulting that you would have multiple sex dreams about Willow and Kennedy, featuring outfits and bondage but not about me. I still have many available years of great kinky sex left before my libido diminishes and my breasts begin to sag." _

"_Anya," he started. "It's not about that," he took her hand in his. "I can dream about sex with Willow and Kennedy, Buffy and everyone else," she huffed. "But they don't mean anything….they aren't you." She smiled softly at him. "You always did have a way with words Xander." As he stared into her eyes, she noticed the lesbians began to disappear as did the chickens. "Tell me what I am here for Xander." "Can't you just be here?" She lifted a hand to his chest, pressed softly and then pulled back. Her fingers were glistening with blood. "It's hurting you to have me here." She said sadly. "No, I want you here." "I'm here every night, in the same clothes, same hairstyle…I'm always here." "I don't want to talk about that." He said turning away from her. She gripped his arm softly. "It's enough Xander. Tell me." He turned to face her, tears shining in his eyes. "Can't we just be like this?' he begged. "We have been like this." She replied, reaching out a hand to cup his face. He shifted to kiss her palm. "I need…" he broke off, pain choking his voice. "I need you to forgive me." "Forgive you?" she questioned, eyebrows rising. "Yes." He shook his head. "I need you to forgive me." "For what?" "For letting you die." "Xander! You didn't let me die." "Yes I did." "No you didn't. I _chose_ to save Andrew. I knew that there was a chance I might not survive." "I should have gone with you; I should have kept you safe." "And then Dawn would have died to save that little monkey…" she broke off thoughtful. "Maybe you have a point." They chuckled simultaneously. "I'm sorry." He stated as her wardrobe switched to her in her wedding dress. She swallowed tears as she felt the gown. "It's okay." She said. "Actually it's not okay! You left me at the alter and that was horrible. I felt as if someone had taken out my insides and I was just empty." She hugged her body tightly, as Xander's hands clenched into fist. "I know." "But since I'm already dead I am past such petty feelings." She shook her body as the wedding dress melded back into her previous outfit. "You need to see things for how they are Xander." She reached up and touched his eye as he howled out in pain. He was half blind again as she gently fingered the edge of the patch. _

_When his vision had cleared he could see the long diagonal cut across her torso. "Oh God An. I'm so sorry." She touched her stomach bemused. "The pain is in the past Xander…this is just what you need to see.""He crushed her to his chest suddenly, proclaiming. "You shouldn't have been alone…you shouldn't have died alone." She laughed slightly. "I didn't. I was picturing your face until my last breath…I wasn't alone." She pushed back to run her fingers through his hair. "You were with me you silly man." She said affectionately. _

"_I'm always with you An." "I know that, but now you have to let me go." "Do I have to?" "Yes you need to forgive yourself and move on. You need to heal. You need to grow. Plus this is day one hundred and twenty two of doing this, and my god do you have any idea how whiney it is? I mean I love you, but how many times do I have to tell you I forgive you before you get it. I forgive you, you are forgiven." "But I…" "No more butts Xander." He took both her hands, gathering them to his chest. "I love you Anya." She nodded vigorously. "Yes I know. What isn't to love? I'm kind, funny, very attractive, insatiable in bed, good at procuring money, spontaneous, intelligent…" she was interrupted by Xander pulling her in for a long, passionate kiss. "Don't forget modest." He joked. She beamed at him. "That was number forty seven on my list if you had let me finish." He chuckled lightly as her being began to glow. _

_She was wrapped in a white light, her wounds disappearing immediately. He could barely look at her, she was glowing so bright. "Anya!" he cried out. "Well this is new." "Wait! Don't go!" "You have suffered enough. It's time to let me go! Either that or start dreaming about me in more interesting situations…this guardian angel, guiding light thing is getting boring." He chortled, squinting to try and see her. "But I need you." He insisted "I'll always be with you…" her voice was fading now as Xander felt himself start to wake up from his dream. "In my heart." He whispered softly. "Oh and I love you." He smiled as her voice became only a whisper._

Xander woke with a smile on his face and tears racing down his cheeks. He made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob as he sat up. "Huh? So that's what redemption looks like." He plopped back down to his pillow feeling lighter than he had in months.


End file.
